Open Questions/Deep Listening

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AT A GLANCE:

Community builders need to have highly refined dialog skills. Among these is the ability to ask open questions. "An open question is one that expands rather than restricts your arena of exploration, one that does not push or even nudge you toward a particular way of framing a situation. (Palmer 2004: 132)" It is a questions that allows the speaker the freedom to speak from their deepest, truest self. This makes conversations more powerful and builds trust between community members. Moreover it helps the community builder lessen the emphasis on their own self (history, opinions, ideas) in order to pay full attention to the future and potential that is hidden in the community they are serving.

[Note: Such questions are also called open-ended questions, as practiced widely in both journalism and therapy.]

LOGISTICS:

This can be done anywhere and at anytime. That being said it is easier to do in smaller groups, in quiet places, and without time pressures.

PROCESS:

Describing open questions is easier than asking them. What follows is a series of do's and don'ts to help lead community builders in formulating such questions. Then there are a few example dialogs to give a first idea of open and "closed" questions. The most useful way to learn is to practice with a group and then reflect on the results afterwards.

DO:

  • Respond to every statement with wonder, awe, fascination, and interest
  • Keep questions brief, with little background and explanation
  • Ask about more than facts, but about feelings and intentions
  • Slow down the pace of the conversation
  • Enjoy pauses and moments of silence
  • Search for questions that ask for more about what the person was saying and why
  • Forget yourself and your position in the system when framing a question
  • "Try not to get ahead of the language the speaker uses" is a good guideline for asking honest, open questions. By paying close attention to the words people speak, we can ask questions that invite them to probe what they may already know but have not yet fully named. (Palmer 2004: 133)"
  • "[T]he best way to make sure that my questions [are open] is to ask them with an honest, open spirit. (Palmer 2004: 133-4)" See also the tool CONCENTRATION MEDITATION.
  • Ask questions that you could never anticipate the answer to
  • Know when to ask open questions and when not to. There is a time for providing information and giving your opinion. There are also plenty of times when the environment and/or time is not conducive to this kind of dialog.

DON'T:

  • Don't give advice or opinions
  • Don't agree or disagree
  • Don't attempt to fill moments of silence. "Do not speak unless you can improve on the silence."
  • Don't ask questions that merely out of your own curiosity, but ones that you hope allow the speaker to more fully speak their own truth
  • If possible, don't look the speaker in the eyes. This is because our non-verbal cues usually carry even more information than our verbal ones. In asking open questions we are trying to leave the space as open as possible for the speaker. Non-verbal cues such as nodding, a furrowed brow, or yawning all give silent commentary to their words.

CHARACTERISTICS:

Each of these do's and don'ts can be reduced to a further set of characteristics, which can help the community builder determine whether the question is likely to be an open one or a closed one. The basic practice is to be mindful of how a conversation is going and mentally note which of these characteristics is applicable. If it is appropriate to the situation, try shifting the conversation by emphasizing open characteristics.

[Note: In the following dichotomies the first characteristic is always regarding open questions, the second of closed.]

Find out more vs. change focus of discussion

When a conversation partner says something or even asks a question themselves one can respond in two ways. Either by asking a question in return that gives the speaker the opportunity to expand on what they've said or reflect on why they asked a particular question or by changing the focus of the discussion, even in very subtle ways, thereby moving the "ownership" of the discussion away from the speaker. Changing the focus can be done by asking a related, but different question, by giving a piece of advice, by offering an opinion on what was said, by telling a story that is brought to mind, or by providing information about a related topic. Of course more drastic examples are ignoring the speaker or completely changing the topic.

Short vs. long questions

This is not a hard and fast rule, but still a good guide. Long questions are usually leading questions, ones that involve providing a lot of background that moves the ownership of the conversation away from the first speaker. Short questions tend to leave that ownership intact and give the speaker space to reflect and say more.

Slow vs. fast

The pace of a conversation is also often indicative of its relative openness. As Parker Palmer says, the truth is often like a wild animal that can only be seen if one enters the forest slowly and quietly. Fast conversations tend to be dominated by strong egos battling against one another or striving to show up all the other contestants. Slow ones, in contrast, allow for reflection and more often lead to honesty and openness.

Pauses vs. no pauses

Related to the pace of a conversation is the occurrence of occasional pauses, of silence. This space in a conversation is like the loose soil and room that a plant needs to grow. If we pack things in too much, all we get are undernourished ideas and weeds. But if we go more slowly and leave space, then we can focus on what needs to be said and not on just giving an answer or filling the gaps.

Egoless vs. egocentric

One can speak meaningfully of the "ownership" of a conversation, even when two or more people are participating. The ownership is really whose truth the conversation is about, who is the focus of the conversation, and who is leading the group. In conversations which call for open questions – ones in which a community builder is trying to better understand a community member, and perhaps give them the opportunity to better understand their own position, feelings, and will – the ownership needs to remain firmly with one person. This is a relatively uncommon mode of conversation, because in "normal" dialog the ownership is expected to be shared. I talk about myself for a while, then you talk about yourself, then we argue about something, then we share a joke, and so the cycle goes on. But if the community builder is giving an opinion, offering advice, telling a related story from their own life, agreeing or disagreeing with what has been said, then they are removing the ownership of the conversation.

Speaker's language vs. community builder's language

An easy way to tell whether the ownership of the conversation is remaining with the speaker is to see whose language is being used. If the community builder picks up on the speaker's language, tries to understand it, asks more questions about it, then the ownership is more likely to remain intact. On the other hand, if the community builder begins to introduce their own language, that's an almost sure sign that ownership has shifted.

Listening vs. evaluating

For many of us listening, pure listening without evaluation is a skill that remains highly underdeveloped. This is because discussion – the evaluation of individual viewpoints – has become the default mode of conversation. And in many situations this is fine, because our task is to find ideas, determine the best one, and get on with some course of action. But discussion is essentially a competitive mode with winners and losers that can too often scare us away from proffering intuitions of which we are unsure, ideas that we cannot support with facts, or feelings to which our conversation partner can hardly respond. Thus, discussion can scare us away from our own deeper truths and intentions. Allowing community members to feel trusted by the community builder and encouraging them to access their deepest self will at times require abandoning discussion, and switching to pure listening (which will usually, by the way, also include asking open questions!).

Correct intention vs. wrong intention

One powerful guiding mechanism in making sure that the conversation remains open, that the community builder protects the speaker's ownership of the conversation is their own internal intention. As we repeat in many places, intention is itself a tool and it can be very useful here as well. Before even beginning a conversation, affirm to yourself the positive intention to leave your own ego out of the conversation and to give the speaker as much space, time, patience, and attention to allow their own truth to arrive. If you find yourself on the wrong path during a conversation, do the same thing and often the course can be corrected.

It can even be useful to have a short internal monologue you use to make this affirmation. I use some variation of the following: "This conversation is not about me, it's about you. May I forget myself for the duration of this talk and focus my energy on allowing you speak as openly and honestly as possible." It's even better if you create your own version of this monologue, one that feels comfortable and makes sense to you.

Facts vs. feelings and will

One final indication of what kind of conversation is occurring is its relative emphasis on fact versus feelings or will. Discussions, in which two or more people debate the relative merits of certain propositions, usually focus almost entirely on facts, regardless of whether these are demonstrable facts or those gained from personal experience. Open conversations, in contrast, are not about winning or losing, but about building trust and uncovering new truths. As such they are less dependent upon facts. Instead they focus more on feelings, which have no truth value and thus cannot be "debated", and will or intentions for the future, which are similarly not open to refutation.

List of example open questions:

  • What prompted you/your organization to look into this?
  • What led you to come to this event?
  • What are your expectations for this project/group?
  • How do you see this happening?
  • What is it that you’d like to see accomplished?
  • What opportunities do you see in this effort/project/group?
  • With whom have you had success in the past?
  • Can you help me understand that a little better?
  • What does that mean?
  • What challenges does that process create?
  • How could things be different in the future?
  • Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?
  • Is there anything you think it would be important/helpful for me to know?
  • What do you see as the next action steps?
  • What sort of timeline do you see for this project?
  • Are there other people we should talk to before taking the next step?
  • Do we have any collective gaps in our knowledge that we should address?
  • What are your thoughts?
  • Who else is involved in this decision?
  • What could make this no longer a priority?
  • What’s changed since we last talked?
  • What concerns do you have?
  • How did you get involved in…?
  • What kind of challenges are you facing?
  • What’s the most important priority to you with this project/group? Why?
  • What other issues are important to you?

[Adapted from: www.justsell.com/top-30-open-ended-questions]

SOURCES:

Based on Quaker practices and the work of Parker Palmer, especially A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey toward an Undivided Life (2004)