Theory U: open heart

Yesterday's post focused on the most familiar of the three openings required to get to the bottom of the U: the open mind. Today I want to talk about the open heart. The open heart can be described as emotion intelligence (EQ), as the ability to empathize with others' emotions, to put one's self into a different position in the system. It is the ability to appreciate others and their feelings, even if they are highly different from one's own. This can be challenging for two primary reasons. One, operating from the open mind is not part of accepted behavior in any but our most intimate relationships. And two, doing so requires us to turn off the dominant functions of the open mind. The open mind works by analyzing, making distinctions, looking for facts and how they relate to our accepted view of the world. But this means that, by its very nature, the open mind is critical, it is on the lookout for true and false – and that's just as it should be. But this mode of operation is in stark contrast to that of the open heart. The open heart is not about the rational self, but about the relational self, and in this realm the true and false do not exist. If someone says they're angry, you can't say, "No, you're not." Subjective descriptions of emotional states – the feeling of what it's like to have a particular role in a system – are what they are. But why is the open heart so important?

The open heart understands that the mind cannot see everything. Facts, figures, objective descriptions will go a long way to helping us really understand the world, to dig deeper into the reality of a social system, but in so doing it will leave out an equally important truth: that these systems are populated by people, and these people have emotional lives as well. Classical economics tried for many decades to pretend that this was not the case – to pretend that people largely act as rational agents, evaluating the world on the basis of pure facts, and making the best decision for our own self-interest. Didn't work so well. Of course if they had spoken with a psychologist or an anthropologist or even most sociologists they would have clearly understood why: men (and women) are not guided by reason alone. Theory U's emphasis on the open heart recognizes the value of our emotional truths and recognizes that understanding a social system, finding out which future wants to emerge depends on respecting them.

At a practical level, the open heart means being truly interested in the emotional lives of others within a community. It means showing understanding for their emotional truth and trying to appreciate what it would be like to stand in someone else's shoes. It means incorporating into our conversations questions that reach the heart, and it means having the presence and will to really listen to the answers. The result of this is that we build two essential bridges: trust and openness. We build trust because we show ourselves as real people with real interior lives, not just the roles we play in a community or social system. We build trust also by making others feel safe to show themselves as well. And we build openness by putting things on the table as they are, regardless of whether we show ourselves as weak or proud, confused or confident, sad or triumphant.

Taking this step to open up ourselves and truly show our interest for others' emotional lives is extremely difficult. It is difficult primarily because we have been taught to play the roles others expect us to play, and hide everything else. "How are you today?" "Shitty. My wife was in a bad mood after dinner, the kids woke me up three times last night, and we're out of coffee." That's not the answer you usually expect at work. And I'm not suggesting that that's the answer we should always give. But working down to the bottom of the U does require us to show ourselves and care about the inner lives of others. There is a time and place. And once you're there it feels a lot like home.